Learning to live with uncertainty

Among all the rotten aspects of the global pandemic - death, illness, loss of livelihood, mental health struggles, isolation - there have been a few bright lights. Around the world, people left jobs they hated, decided to get fit, made self care a priority, and generally, started to look inward. For me, an unexpected benefit was learning to live with uncertainty. For most of my adult life, I have done everything in my power to avoid uncertainty by anticipating every possible outcome, staying super organized and doing my best to be prepared for any apocalypse that might crash into my life.

I have a well-established fear of uncertainty that emerged in childhood and became more finely-tuned with each passing decade until it was so pitched, my stomach could lurch at the thought of not knowing exactly what would happen in my life. I counteracted this by being hyper-organized. I would have a standby travel bag packed in case I needed to leave the country in a hurry like a hunted spy. If I planned a party, I spent hours anticipating every single thing that could go wrong so I could mitigate it. Whenever I felt anxiety creeping in, I would clean the house from top to bottom, or tackle a really tough task like scrubbing the floor under the fridge so I could feel like I was in control again.

It provided temporary relief but didn’t do much to assuage my general fear of uncertainty. Yes, a crisis is somewhat more palatable if you have anticipated it but the anxiety of constantly planning for an imaginary crisis outweighs any peace of mind gained from being somewhat prepared when it hits. This catastrophizing is actually a bonus when I’m managing events or doing crisis management for my paid job. Assuming the florist won’t come through or it will pour on the day of my outdoor garden party means I always have a backup but in my personal life, trying to anticipate and plan for every possible eventuality is exhausting.

When the pandemic hit, my biggest immediate concern wasn’t my health; it was the loss of control. Suddenly my carefully curated life was turned upside down and there was very little I could do to predict what would happen next. I spent the first few months of our lockdown doom scrolling all of the possible terrifying things that could happen. In the 20 months since we first went home to “flatten the curve”, some of the terrifying things have come to pass and others have proven to be wild speculation but I am still here.

Of course, the kind of certainty I had enjoyed in the pre-pandemic times was always circumstantial - a luxury of a white woman, living a middle-class life in one of the most free and tolerant countries in the world . Many of the world’s citizens live in a state of constant fear and uncertainty and have learned how to appreciate the little joys and happy moments in their otherwise dangerous days.

I have spent a couple of decades trying to get “better” at living with uncertainty so as I write this, 20 months into this situation, I can appreciate the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have to face it head on with nowhere to hide. I live in a city that experience one of the world’s longest pandemic lockdowns and for several months there wasn’t a single place to go or a single thing to do, except for grocery stores and pharmacies.

So, have I learned to embrace uncertainty now? No, of course not. A person doesn’t just change who they are. But I have much better coping skills and more proof that I can do hard things and come out the other side intact.