How to disagree and still stay friends
For as long as humans have broken bread together, they have argued over contentious topics or, if they’re wise, they’ve avoided contentious topics in exchange for peaceful meals and drama-free Thanksgivings. Some dinner party hosts, office managers and friend groups resort to banning sticky topics like religion, politics, and more recently, how young is too young for a mobile phone, should you put your kids pictures on social media or, your newfound love of veganism.
But then the most delicate topic of all came along and opting out of the conversation just wasn’t an option. What’s more, many people demanded their friends and family declare their opinions freely. In what felt like a nanosecond, decisions that had been considered deeply personal for generations drifted into the public domain.
Of course I’m talking about the Covid-19 pandemic and I’m not here to weigh in on anyone’s decisions but I do have some suggestions on how to keep your friends, even when you majorly disagree on the right course of action.
Tip #1 - Choose amazing friends
Over five decades, I’ve had a LOT of friends and I called many of them my best friends, mostly because we had shared circumstances - we lived on the same street, we had kids in the same school, we worked or volunteered together. And most of those friendships dissipated when our circumstances changed and we went our separate ways without drama or malice. Now I have fewer than ten close friends and they are all the kindest, most compassionate, empathetic, loving and non-judgmental people you could ever meet. When we get together, we have deep, thoughtful discussions on all of the so-called “off-limits” topics - religion, political preference, reproductive rights, parenting, diet, sexuality, gender roles, crypto, finances and yes, Covid lockdowns, masks, vaccines, etc. And while we often disagree, we never fight and our discussions don’t get ugly because we love and respect each other and we are genuinely interested in each others’ points of view.
Tip #2 - Debate to learn, not to convince
I am a fairly opinionated person and like anyone else, I feel like my opinions are the right ones. If I didn’t think that they wouldn’t be my opinions. But I constantly remind myself that they are right for me, not right for everyone. I tap into the passion I feel about my beliefs and I understand that others can apply the same level of passion and “rightness” to their beliefs. I may completely disagree with them but if I love them and know them to be good and decent people, I try to find common ground, or at least try to understand their point of view. This means that when I ask questions , I do so with the intent to learn more about them and their beliefs, not with the intent to convert them to my way of thinking. And on that note…
Tip #3 - Don’t try to convert people
This is a tough one but it’s important. Allow your friends (and everyone else) to have their own opinions and to make their own decisions. You don’t have to agree with your friends in order to love and respect them. My close friends and I had many discussions about various dimensions of the pandemic - should little kids wear masks, should we get vaccinated, are lockdowns wise, are the rules fair or unfair, when should things go back to “normal” - and we disagreed on many of them, but we never fought, name-called, accused or pointed fingers. We felt secure enough in our own beliefs and decisions that we didn’t need others to agree with us and we felt safe respecting their decisions.
Tip #4 - Make every space a safe space
Early in the pandemic, I set up weekly video-meetings for my work team to stay connected while we worked from home. One of my colleagues asked if we could make the meetings a ‘safe space’ where we could share our views and fears about what we were confronting in our personal and professional lives without judgment. I agreed and it’s something I still maintain now as we seemingly come out of the pandemic’s harshest period. In those meetings, colleagues complained, cried, laughed, vented , worried about their family members, and most importantly, supported each other with compassion and empathy.
Tip #5 - Walk away if you need to
The best thing about close friends is that you get to choose them. And you also get to choose how close you get and how long you stay close. People evolve and situations change and even the best of friendships can become too incompatible to continue. If that happens, it’s okay to explain the situation to them, take a break or permanently walk away.
In closing, I’ll say it’s important to note that I have focused on friends in this post and not family. Family is a whole different thing and much more complex and nuanced. Most importantly, you don’t get to choose them. I might try to tackle a similar article about family but I don’t know. I’m not a miracle worker.