Learning to live authentically
Many years ago, I came across this quote from Mahatma Gandhi: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I remember thinking wow, who has the luxury of such authenticity in this world full of judgment and conformity? I was clear on what I thought but the idea of sharing them truthfully and living a life according to what I believed seemed like a pipe dream.
For most of my adult life, I made decisions based on fear, obligation or a desire to be liked. I sat through events when I wanted to be on the couch, stood silently when I should have spoken up and took part in things that weren’t aligned with my values. Why did I do this? Part personality and part conditioning. Growing up poor you learn to prioritize survival and the need to put food on the table and pay the bills trumps authenticity every time. When I entered the work force in the nineties, I learned really quickly that I would not win any medals for being my big fat authentic self and I conformed quickly. I also learned that conflict is really unpleasant and my sensitive personality did not easily rebound from personal or professional disputes and sometimes those disputes escalated to violence.
This approach “worked” for many years but the night that I read the Gandhi quote, was a turning point because it introduced me to a possibility I had never even considered. It lingered in my brain for a while and I chipped away at it and eventually, after a few decades of being kicked around by life, I took some baby steps towards authenticity.
I decided to be more honest about who I am and what I want. I learned how to say no, set clear boundaries, define my personal values, and live in my truth.
Deciding to live authentically, even if you’re a work in progress, is a wonderful thing that lifts a weight off your shoulders and helps you finally relax in life. It is truly liberating to look a friend in the eye and say, “thank you for inviting me to your book club but I’m going to pass because I wouldn’t enjoy it” or tell a work colleague that “I won’t tolerate body shaming on my team”.
Does this mean I am fully authentic in all of my relationships now? Of course not! I still live and work in a society with genuine power dynamics, places where I”m not free to be myself, times when I have to choose between financial commitments and freedom. But I am clear on my personal values and when I can live in alignment with them without losing the people or things that are dear to me, I do.