The life-altering power of forgiveness
I’m on a lifelong journey to experience as much peace as possible. With a demanding career, two teenagers and the usual tsunami of life events requiring action - snow tires, flossing, tracking down refunds, renewing ID, etc. - peace is fleeting and usually by the time I realize I have it, it has evaporated. The world is not going to change for me so I have had to learn to seek out peace wherever I can and when it materializes, to stop and breathe it in with gratitude.
In my quest for greater peace, I have read many books and, more recently, subscribed to multiple YouTube influencers who entice me with tales of mindfulness and contentment. I suppose these media, can all be lumped into the “self help” category but I chafe against that term because it sounds like a fix for broken people when it’s really an opportunity to consider another way of looking at things, or a way to explore what’s lurking behind some of your more destructive challenges. Check out my Books I Love section for some of the books that have helped me resonate at a higher frequency.
Most of the books, podcasts and channels I have followed have espoused forgiveness as the holy grail of attaining a lifetime of peace and a contented heart. I believe that it’s up there for sure but the notion of forgiveness that many of us have been taught doesn’t really encompass the breadth of what’s meant by this suggestion. We tend to think of forgiveness in terms of someone did something wrong to us and we get to choose whether or not we will forgive them. Sometimes we are quite mean about it, teasing forgiveness and then pulling it back, or dangling it like a carrot in hopes the offending person will contort themselves into a pretzel to win back our affection or approval.
That notion of forgiveness is all about control and it might give you a temporary high based on having power over another person but it won’t bring you the peace you seek True forgiveness means letting go of the pain we cause when we nurse ancient grievances and attribute our current circumstances to things other people did years or even decades ago. It also means that we stop plotting or carrying out our revenge towards that person and no longer add fuel to that particular fire.
Does that mean that the actions of others have no impact on who we are or how we turn out? No, of course not! The shit we go through in our formative years has a profound impact on how we feel about ourselves and others, how we navigate through the world and our willingness to take risks and open ourselves up to new experiences. Some of us will spend years trying to process this and rise about it and others will go to the grave with no introspection whatsoever. But, continuing to blame these things for your misfortunate or make them part of your story decades later is probably keeping you from a peaceful life.
I personally carried around my suitcase of slights and grievances for years, eager to tell anyone who will listen how she betrayed me or they let me down or he turned on me. My liberation came when I realized that my refusal to forgive people was an albatross and an impediment to my growth so I started my journey of forgiveness. I didn’t pick up the phone and tell them “hey I now forgive you” and I didn’t suddenly become best friends with them as if nothing ever happened.
If they were still in my life, I forgave them, released the resentment and established boundaries to protect myself. If they were no longer in my life, I forgave them, released the negative emotions and moved on. The important thing is that I starved the grievance of energy and no longer dedicated time to thinking about it.
This is not easy stuff. Forgiveness is difficult and sometimes it seems like by forgiving people who have hurt us, we are erasing their heinous acts and “letting them off with it” but when these thoughts crop up, I remind myself that it’s not about them. It’s about me pursuing peace.